When he finally realizes.

My ex and I spent almost 10 years together. From 16 to 26 years old. We spent a large portion of our lives together. We grew up and apart together. I learned a lot from this relationship but nothing would prepare me for when he realized.

I went to pick up some of my belongings from his house. This has never been a problem and I never anticpate it to be. We started chatting about what was happening in our lives just as old friends do (mistake one). I mean we know each other like no one else does. We had a few beers and he said he wanted to show me something and asked if I wanted to go for a ride in the car (for anonymous reasons I am just going to say it is a beautiful classic car that I always loved to go driving in). I said sure (mistake two). We drive around and chat. I made a point to say how I think it was good we broke up, and I don’t think we were truly meant to be. He replied with “never, say never.” As the conversation continued I wondered what he was thinking. Was he not there for the last two years of our relationship? Did he not see me crumble and withdraw? What was he even trying to do? What did he mean? I decided to shrug it off. We finally stopped off in an area overlooking the river in the city, surrounded by trees and the sun setting. I don’t have a doubt that he brought me there because he knows I love that kind of stuff. He rarely did it while we were together so why now? I kept forcing myself not to read into it. We were done. Broken up. He’s a nice guy so he is just being nice (mistake three). I decided it was time to leave and asked him to drive me back. He responded with asking for a hug so I obliged (mistake 4). He then tried to kiss me.

I did say no. I pulled away. This was not something I wanted. I haven’t spoken to him since then. I do wonder what his intent was. Win me back? Control me? I was mad. Confused. And I really just wanted to punch him. Are you kidding me right now! I have been feeling settled and finally starting to actually date people and now this? But in reality he started to realize I was gone. He lost me. I wasn’t coming back. He realized how good I was and now regrets. I was moved on and he was just starting to. Something that everyone takes a different path on. It was his turn to feel the grief and deal with the loss. It was my turn to move forward and continue to work on me.

Almost a Decade

I thought about doing this for a long time. Writing down everything I wanted. Everything I wish I could have read on the internet when it first happened. I didn’t know what to do. My whole world had changed in an instant. I went from having a future, a significant other, a house, a family-with the pup, in-laws, extended family and friends, a whole life together to the opposite. Moving back home at 26, someone that I spent the last nine and a half years with was no longer there, my whole life plan came crashing down. Now to some they would read that last bit and say “now, now.” But seriously. We had planned on getting married, eventually having kids. My niece, and nephew- who is my god-child- both called him uncle. They loved him. Everyone I know always talked about when we were to get married because it was the highly anticipated event. We didn’t mind waiting until we were more settled in our life and stable. Well at least I know I didn’t until closer to the end.

Story time- we met at the beginning of my grade 11 year, while I was dating someone else. That ended and a few months later we started dating. We had our issues through all of our years. Me going to University and both of us being worried we’d find someone else. Finally being 18 and experiencing bar life for me, and you later. Moral values, and upbringing. Moving out. Me wanting to move forward and you not being so sure. But the relationship strained in the last year.

Back to the main reason why I came to write this blog. The “advise.” What a horrible word. I searched for hours trying to get the answers to my questions. Read every article, talked to my friends. Tried to make sense of it all. Let me put it this way. There are no answers. At least ones that are 100% what you are looking for. I found things that now I look at and realize it was great advise but at the time I didn’t want to think in that frame of mind.

So where was I? I was thinking everything at once. How could this happen? Do I continue trying? Do I say give it another shot after the last one, and the time before that, and the time before…? Maybe we just need time apart? Again. Maybe we will do this and end up back together? We belong together… right? But I was thinking not to long ago about breaking up as well. I was thinking about what it would be like to be single. I never had that. From 16 to just about 26 years. I started thinking what if the grass is actually greener on the other side. The positives of our relationship became negatives, or outweighed by them. Everyone always says this generation doesn’t try hard enough. We don’t work to keep our relationships alive. I can say I tried. Over and over. I gave many chances and put in so much work. In the end here I am. I am not saying by any means to give up. If you care you should try but advice point one-set your limit and stick to it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times what in the world is wrong with me? I had said several times “this is the last chance” or “I can’t keep doing this.” If you find yourself saying these words you need to commit. I finally said it out loud to a friend and she listened and understood and helped me remember when I wanted to try again.

On the breakup. That first while was tough. Saying goodbye to his parents. Calling mine and asking to come back home. Leaving somewhere you made a home. Leaving someone who was your home. I had to pack all of my belongings back up, admit defeat and failure, and leave. This was a hard thing. I hate failing. Again back to the whole “this generation doesn’t try hard enough” sentence and needing to prove it wrong. We had spoke and I tried to ask and find out “do you think we will get back together?” and “tell me what you’re thinking.” I tried to reason it all.

There sometimes is no logical reasoning. You may have your reasons, and they may have theres. Very few or none will make sense to the other. I found it more difficult every time I tried to focus on their point of view. It just brought up more questions. Of course I was biased in all of it but I still couldn’t make sense of it. This brought up emotions.

Emotions are meant to be felt, not understood. This was a huge issue for me. I want to understand everything. I tried to figure out why I was feeling every emotion. This caused me to feel more emotions because I would get frustrated and angry why I couldn’t figure it out and then I’d cry out of anger-it’s kind of my thing to do apparently-and I’d then try to figure that out. I was trying to rationalize everything. I was talking to my friends and telling them everything I though I had figured out and one finally told me to stop. She told me that even though I think I understand the emotions it was probably only the surface. It’s great to know what you are feeling but do just that. Feel it. I of course tried to explain that I have to understand. But they had been through it. The heartache of losing someone so important to them. So I tried every do to quit understanding and start feeling.

Do things. Because you want to, or because you don’t. This is the time to rediscover who you are as an individual person. You are still in there somewhere. This is the time to focus on what makes you happy. I spent more time out. I went to the gym, or I drank beer. A lot of beer. I took spur of the moment snowboard trips-which for me being the planner I am would never happen, but it made me happy. I started playing guitar more again and reading all of my favorite books, as well as some I’ve always wanted to. I would recommend Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. It is laugh out loud funny, especially the part about the raccoon rodeo. I focused all of my energy and attention on me.

Reconnect. With yourself and friends. It is different being friends with people while you are dating or are single. Most people do treat you the same, so no they are not staring at you wondering how you’re doing but too afraid to ask… ok well sometimes they do but most will wait until you are ready to talk. But others find it easier to talk to you in ways they couldn’t before. At least this was my case. My friends saw the end before I did. I also took the time to reconnect with friends I had in university but because of my relationship had not spent time with in a very long time. I am happy I did this because I am growing one of the best friend groups I could ask for. I also took time for myself. I did all the things I wanted, just for me. I also sometimes just sat and did nothing, by myself. I went to Starbucks and sat like a psycho by myself partly just sitting doing nothing but drinking my coffee, marking papers, and reading. I started to be reminded through all of this of who I was. Who I lost sight of.

Stay off of social media! Especially theirs. I know I wasn’t ready to delete them. I actually still haven’t. But I took the time to make sure all of their posts would stop coming up on Facebook and not look at the following section on Instagram. He was great to me because not even a week after he talked about changing the Facebook status, and I of course became an overly weepy mess and proclaimed that it really meant we were done, because me moving out apparently did not mean that. For your ease of mind Facebook has a way that when you do change status you do not have to post it and you can choose to delete the person, along with anything you have mutual together (pictures, posts, tags, etc). He said he would wait to change it until I was ready. It was hard for a long time not to look at everything on there. I almost deleted him (I didn’t because he actually didn’t want me to because he wanted to remain friends) but with willpower and unfollowing him on Facebook I checked less and less. I went to bed one day and decided that I needed to change my status to single.

No contact! I am the worst for saying this. I called him and he called me. I cried my frustration and sadness out to him. I mean I had done it for almost 10 years and he was the only one who truly got who I was. Or so I thought-more on that later. I went over to talk during my try to understand everything phase. This happened more than once. We had sex. Only once. But for me that was the best closure. This brought about a whole new part to me. It was like a switch went off and I was moving forward. No longer stuck. I felt fine not contacting him, and actually better. It was a relief. If they keep contacting you, do not get stuck there either. This is your time to grieve too and you need to take your own time for yourself. Even if you want to stay friends just back away. Let the dust settle and give yourself time to figure it all out. Take as much time as you need. You may be able to connect as friends after, or it may be too painful. I am not currently “friends” with my ex. I am not ready. I will let you know in the future.

Understand that there is no definitive way to get over someone. No specific timeline. No rhyme or reason. It takes time. Not everything will be right for you and you must do what is.

You may never be one hundred percent over them, ever. You will have some really bad moments. But it will get easier and less painful.

Becoming Me

I was driving to the gym yesterday. I realized, I am the person I always thought I was destined to be. I think most people growing up have a list. I list of what they want to do, who they want to be, and in what time frame. In no way have I lived up to the time frame, and not a single ounce of me feels regret. But the list young me had all laid out, was true.

Now I cannot tell you the exact wording of this list but I know it went something like this; career, husband, travel to cool places, be a cool person, do awesome things. I know it sounds a little ridiculous now but as I grew I still wanted the same things. I just put it a little more eloquently.

I have a career. A very rewarding one. The same one I wanted since I was a little girl. I went straight from high school to university and completed my degree. Now I did it in a bit of a round about way, but I learned some amazing life lessons from it. And it wasn’t all that round about. Just an extra year and 4 program switches-all aimed toward the same end point. I am just finishing my fourth year at my job, and I love it every bit that I thought it would. Career- CHECK.

Husband. Hah. No thanks. Not right now. Check back at a later date.

Travel to cool places. Well this is my current goal. I have traveled a bit with what money I had through University. Now I have a little more at my disposal and have been saving I officially booked a trip last night. By myself. I am headed to Nicaragua. I never thought I would be able to go to such an amazing and unique place. I plan on traveling more and more frequent. Travel to cool places- currently working on but CHECK.

Do awesome things. This is probably the most subjective to anyone. In the last few months I started my journey in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I think this is pretty bad ass. Now I am just beginning in a life long journey for BJJ, but I am excited to see where this takes me. Competing, athleticism, badassery. This is not the only thing I have done that I think is pretty awesome but it encompasses the nature of my goal quite well. Do awesome things- CHECK.

I think young me would be proud of who I am today. I know a year ago I would have never imagined this is where I would end up. Happy. Confident. Becoming who I always wanted to be.

Ghosted

Yes you read that right. A follow up to my previous. From having a first spark to being ghosted.

I still wonder what I did wrong. I know everyone will say it wasn’t you. He just wasn’t interested. But let’s talk real here. In order for him to not be interested it is obviously something about me that is causing that to happen. Everything was going so smooth. We had a great connection, great chemistry. Made each other laugh, and it was super easy. All of a sudden, no texts back. Waited a day, texted him just saying he’s a horrible texter-which I have done before and we laughed about. A few days later I sent my final text, again light hearted about something we talked about. I stopped communicating after that. He clearly doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. But again, what did I do wrong. I didn’t talk about the future, or anything awkward. Only things we have in common and I followed his lead mostly. It feels horrible after such an amazing date and being under the impression that they want to see you again. You said it first! Not me! I get that they could have been just saying it but then I feel like I would have been ghosted after the date and not several days later. So again I wonder, what did I do wrong. Now I would like to come up with a general guideline on ghosting people. I do think in certain situations it may be ok even after a first date. Here we go.

  1. While you’re still just talking. If you swiped and you haven’t met yet
  2. If they are rude or disrespectful. On or offline.
  3. If you have communicated that you are not interested in it going further.
  4. If the aren’t actually single.
  5. If you can’t manage to be civil. “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

Now mind you I get sometimes life happens. You are not willing to give an explanation, or maybe they just wont take one. But keep in mind most people like honesty. A simple not interested, or I’m not in the right place to date right now. That can go miles. Even a simple fade out would suffice. People typically catch on to the vibes pretty fast. But remember if you initiate another date and say how excited you are to see them again, not cool. So in a few months when you text me, you won’t get the time of day.

The First Spark… Again

You spend countless hours swiping left. How else are you supposed to meet someone these days. How can you rely on a good old fashioned love story? I say make one yourself.

Finally a guy catches your eye more than the others you swiped right on because “Hey, why not.” You take the time to plan out a witty remark to type out. You send it. Think nothing more because of how many people never reply. Awhile later you get a response. You play it cool of course because that’s what people tell you to do. Give a bit of time, make them want you blah, blah, blah. A week goes by and you finally make plans to meet up.

He’s way cuter in person. You spend all night talking and it feels right. Natural. Like you’ve known him forever. His smile makes you melt a bit. Oh shit. You may actually like him and want to see him again. You don’t remember the last time you felt this feeling. No other dates have felt this easy or great. You feel like a school girl as cheesy and cliche as it is. And here you are thinking wow aren’t I so cliche right now.

He leans in and kisses you. Full on high school make out session. Eventually conversation rolls around again. You explain that because of horrible double standards and the fact you want to see him again that you don’t want to sleep with him. Well you do. But you probably shouldn’t. He says he wants to see you again. How much he feels like he knows you already. You end up back at his house fool around a bit and he drives you home.

You continue texting back and forth for the coming days. He again states he cannot wait to see you. He is excited and wants to go out on another date. You tell him to pick a time and place and you will try to make it happen. Again, dating rules, can’t seem too available. You tell your friends how excited you are. How it feels like you actually could see yourself seeing him again. You get excited every time you think of him and your date.

Now again, I again think you should make your own fairytale. This was not mine. I still am sad that I didn’t get to see him again. The feeling I had during this first date is probably the feeling I will hope to have with someone else and the standard to which I will hold the rest of my first dates on. He is just that great of a person until I got ghosted.

That Horrible Thought

Mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. Another picture of some friends, kids, animals, politics. People constantly grasping at this feeling to feel in touch and connected with those around them. As I dive deeper into the last few hours of my feed I see a video. This video is stunning. It caught my eye right away. A friend-or now past person I once shared a classroom with, recently got married. I can’t look away. I see the way they look at each other in the video. It is a way in which I used to look at someone. I see the love and the sweetness. The friendship and the all encompassing power. It is beautiful. There is no other word to describe something so indescribable. I feel an overwhelming sense of love through this video. Happiness.

It is through this I start to think. Not just think. Spiral. I get into the thought many of us have had before. What if I never find someone. Someone who can share a love like that. I could end up alone. Alone. That word resonates. It is a human need to be loved, wanted, held, touched. Connection. I keep thinking how after spending so many years knowing I would always have someone. Someone who would care for me no matter what. It all came shattering down. From everything I ever wanted to nothing. I get upset. Upset at the fact that I am alone. Single. Upset that I was stupid enough to not figure it out earlier. Upset that I am thinking like this again. Upset that I’m upset.

I do so well for so long. I am actually happy that I am single. I can do what I want. Follow my passions. Live the life I want. Only have myself to answer for. Then something like this hits me. Many would not classify me as an emotional person. Not even myself-at least in this nature. But it happens every so often. I stop. I tear up. The thoughts come.

Why am I sad? Because idiot you miss having someone to love and someone to love you. How did I get here? Well do I really need to answer this again.                                                 Why am I single? You just said you were happy here for now and you like being single.      So again why am I so sad? It’s called emotions. Shut up, don’t try to make sense of it you are really just on for a ride now.

You see it doesn’t make sense. Nor does it have to. But through every experience like this I feel a little more whole. I feel more like who I want to be and who I am. I relive the time we had together because it was special. It was love. It always will be. But I have to continue to move through and know that there is other love out there. Love better suited to the both of us. If I am able to move through life being able to experience love in many ways I will be forever grateful and fulfilled. I will have people I can say that cared deeply for me as I did for them. If I were to end up alone I know at least I have experienced love. It never seems to get easier thinking I may be. Alone. Forever. But time will pass and it will be less daunting. Or I hope.

I will always search for love. The love that my friend from many years ago has. One that will continue to make me laugh. One that will make me so unbelievably mad but it wont matter. One where you are both each other’s everything and so much more. But understands you are both individuals as well.

My understanding of the power of love is so much more because I lost.