That Horrible Thought

Mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. Another picture of some friends, kids, animals, politics. People constantly grasping at this feeling to feel in touch and connected with those around them. As I dive deeper into the last few hours of my feed I see a video. This video is stunning. It caught my eye right away. A friend-or now past person I once shared a classroom with, recently got married. I can’t look away. I see the way they look at each other in the video. It is a way in which I used to look at someone. I see the love and the sweetness. The friendship and the all encompassing power. It is beautiful. There is no other word to describe something so indescribable. I feel an overwhelming sense of love through this video. Happiness.

It is through this I start to think. Not just think. Spiral. I get into the thought many of us have had before. What if I never find someone. Someone who can share a love like that. I could end up alone. Alone. That word resonates. It is a human need to be loved, wanted, held, touched. Connection. I keep thinking how after spending so many years knowing I would always have someone. Someone who would care for me no matter what. It all came shattering down. From everything I ever wanted to nothing. I get upset. Upset at the fact that I am alone. Single. Upset that I was stupid enough to not figure it out earlier. Upset that I am thinking like this again. Upset that I’m upset.

I do so well for so long. I am actually happy that I am single. I can do what I want. Follow my passions. Live the life I want. Only have myself to answer for. Then something like this hits me. Many would not classify me as an emotional person. Not even myself-at least in this nature. But it happens every so often. I stop. I tear up. The thoughts come.

Why am I sad? Because idiot you miss having someone to love and someone to love you. How did I get here? Well do I really need to answer this again.                                                 Why am I single? You just said you were happy here for now and you like being single.      So again why am I so sad? It’s called emotions. Shut up, don’t try to make sense of it you are really just on for a ride now.

You see it doesn’t make sense. Nor does it have to. But through every experience like this I feel a little more whole. I feel more like who I want to be and who I am. I relive the time we had together because it was special. It was love. It always will be. But I have to continue to move through and know that there is other love out there. Love better suited to the both of us. If I am able to move through life being able to experience love in many ways I will be forever grateful and fulfilled. I will have people I can say that cared deeply for me as I did for them. If I were to end up alone I know at least I have experienced love. It never seems to get easier thinking I may be. Alone. Forever. But time will pass and it will be less daunting. Or I hope.

I will always search for love. The love that my friend from many years ago has. One that will continue to make me laugh. One that will make me so unbelievably mad but it wont matter. One where you are both each other’s everything and so much more. But understands you are both individuals as well.

My understanding of the power of love is so much more because I lost.