Almost a Decade

I thought about doing this for a long time. Writing down everything I wanted. Everything I wish I could have read on the internet when it first happened. I didn’t know what to do. My whole world had changed in an instant. I went from having a future, a significant other, a house, a family-with the pup, in-laws, extended family and friends, a whole life together to the opposite. Moving back home at 26, someone that I spent the last nine and a half years with was no longer there, my whole life plan came crashing down. Now to some they would read that last bit and say “now, now.” But seriously. We had planned on getting married, eventually having kids. My niece, and nephew- who is my god-child- both called him uncle. They loved him. Everyone I know always talked about when we were to get married because it was the highly anticipated event. We didn’t mind waiting until we were more settled in our life and stable. Well at least I know I didn’t until closer to the end.

Story time- we met at the beginning of my grade 11 year, while I was dating someone else. That ended and a few months later we started dating. We had our issues through all of our years. Me going to University and both of us being worried we’d find someone else. Finally being 18 and experiencing bar life for me, and you later. Moral values, and upbringing. Moving out. Me wanting to move forward and you not being so sure. But the relationship strained in the last year.

Back to the main reason why I came to write this blog. The “advise.” What a horrible word. I searched for hours trying to get the answers to my questions. Read every article, talked to my friends. Tried to make sense of it all. Let me put it this way. There are no answers. At least ones that are 100% what you are looking for. I found things that now I look at and realize it was great advise but at the time I didn’t want to think in that frame of mind.

So where was I? I was thinking everything at once. How could this happen? Do I continue trying? Do I say give it another shot after the last one, and the time before that, and the time before…? Maybe we just need time apart? Again. Maybe we will do this and end up back together? We belong together… right? But I was thinking not to long ago about breaking up as well. I was thinking about what it would be like to be single. I never had that. From 16 to just about 26 years. I started thinking what if the grass is actually greener on the other side. The positives of our relationship became negatives, or outweighed by them. Everyone always says this generation doesn’t try hard enough. We don’t work to keep our relationships alive. I can say I tried. Over and over. I gave many chances and put in so much work. In the end here I am. I am not saying by any means to give up. If you care you should try but advice point one-set your limit and stick to it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times what in the world is wrong with me? I had said several times “this is the last chance” or “I can’t keep doing this.” If you find yourself saying these words you need to commit. I finally said it out loud to a friend and she listened and understood and helped me remember when I wanted to try again.

On the breakup. That first while was tough. Saying goodbye to his parents. Calling mine and asking to come back home. Leaving somewhere you made a home. Leaving someone who was your home. I had to pack all of my belongings back up, admit defeat and failure, and leave. This was a hard thing. I hate failing. Again back to the whole “this generation doesn’t try hard enough” sentence and needing to prove it wrong. We had spoke and I tried to ask and find out “do you think we will get back together?” and “tell me what you’re thinking.” I tried to reason it all.

There sometimes is no logical reasoning. You may have your reasons, and they may have theres. Very few or none will make sense to the other. I found it more difficult every time I tried to focus on their point of view. It just brought up more questions. Of course I was biased in all of it but I still couldn’t make sense of it. This brought up emotions.

Emotions are meant to be felt, not understood. This was a huge issue for me. I want to understand everything. I tried to figure out why I was feeling every emotion. This caused me to feel more emotions because I would get frustrated and angry why I couldn’t figure it out and then I’d cry out of anger-it’s kind of my thing to do apparently-and I’d then try to figure that out. I was trying to rationalize everything. I was talking to my friends and telling them everything I though I had figured out and one finally told me to stop. She told me that even though I think I understand the emotions it was probably only the surface. It’s great to know what you are feeling but do just that. Feel it. I of course tried to explain that I have to understand. But they had been through it. The heartache of losing someone so important to them. So I tried every do to quit understanding and start feeling.

Do things. Because you want to, or because you don’t. This is the time to rediscover who you are as an individual person. You are still in there somewhere. This is the time to focus on what makes you happy. I spent more time out. I went to the gym, or I drank beer. A lot of beer. I took spur of the moment snowboard trips-which for me being the planner I am would never happen, but it made me happy. I started playing guitar more again and reading all of my favorite books, as well as some I’ve always wanted to. I would recommend¬†Furiously Happy¬†by Jenny Lawson. It is laugh out loud funny, especially the part about the raccoon rodeo. I focused all of my energy and attention on me.

Reconnect. With yourself and friends. It is different being friends with people while you are dating or are single. Most people do treat you the same, so no they are not staring at you wondering how you’re doing but too afraid to ask… ok well sometimes they do but most will wait until you are ready to talk. But others find it easier to talk to you in ways they couldn’t before. At least this was my case. My friends saw the end before I did. I also took the time to reconnect with friends I had in university but because of my relationship had not spent time with in a very long time. I am happy I did this because I am growing one of the best friend groups I could ask for. I also took time for myself. I did all the things I wanted, just for me. I also sometimes just sat and did nothing, by myself. I went to Starbucks and sat like a psycho by myself partly just sitting doing nothing but drinking my coffee, marking papers, and reading. I started to be reminded through all of this of who I was. Who I lost sight of.

Stay off of social media! Especially theirs. I know I wasn’t ready to delete them. I actually still haven’t. But I took the time to make sure all of their posts would stop coming up on Facebook and not look at the following section on Instagram. He was great to me because not even a week after he talked about changing the Facebook status, and I of course became an overly weepy mess and proclaimed that it really meant we were done, because me moving out apparently did not mean that. For your ease of mind Facebook has a way that when you do change status you do not have to post it and you can choose to delete the person, along with anything you have mutual together (pictures, posts, tags, etc). He said he would wait to change it until I was ready. It was hard for a long time not to look at everything on there. I almost deleted him (I didn’t because he actually didn’t want me to because he wanted to remain friends) but with willpower and unfollowing him on Facebook I checked less and less. I went to bed one day and decided that I needed to change my status to single.

No contact! I am the worst for saying this. I called him and he called me. I cried my frustration and sadness out to him. I mean I had done it for almost 10 years and he was the only one who truly got who I was. Or so I thought-more on that later. I went over to talk during my try to understand everything phase. This happened more than once. We had sex. Only once. But for me that was the best closure. This brought about a whole new part to me. It was like a switch went off and I was moving forward. No longer stuck. I felt fine not contacting him, and actually better. It was a relief. If they keep contacting you, do not get stuck there either. This is your time to grieve too and you need to take your own time for yourself. Even if you want to stay friends just back away. Let the dust settle and give yourself time to figure it all out. Take as much time as you need. You may be able to connect as friends after, or it may be too painful. I am not currently “friends” with my ex. I am not ready. I will let you know in the future.

Understand that there is no definitive way to get over someone. No specific timeline. No rhyme or reason. It takes time. Not everything will be right for you and you must do what is.

You may never be one hundred percent over them, ever. You will have some really bad moments. But it will get easier and less painful.


Becoming Me

I was driving to the gym yesterday. I realized, I am the person I always thought I was destined to be. I think most people growing up have a list. I list of what they want to do, who they want to be, and in what time frame. In no way have I lived up to the time frame, and not a single ounce of me feels regret. But the list young me had all laid out, was true.

Now I cannot tell you the exact wording of this list but I know it went something like this; career, husband, travel to cool places, be a cool person, do awesome things. I know it sounds a little ridiculous now but as I grew I still wanted the same things. I just put it a little more eloquently.

I have a career. A very rewarding one. The same one I wanted since I was a little girl. I went straight from high school to university and completed my degree. Now I did it in a bit of a round about way, but I learned some amazing life lessons from it. And it wasn’t all that round about. Just an extra year and 4 program switches-all aimed toward the same end point. I am just finishing my fourth year at my job, and I love it every bit that I thought it would. Career- CHECK.

Husband. Hah. No thanks. Not right now. Check back at a later date.

Travel to cool places. Well this is my current goal. I have traveled a bit with what money I had through University. Now I have a little more at my disposal and have been saving I officially booked a trip last night. By myself. I am headed to Nicaragua. I never thought I would be able to go to such an amazing and unique place. I plan on traveling more and more frequent. Travel to cool places- currently working on but CHECK.

Do awesome things. This is probably the most subjective to anyone. In the last few months I started my journey in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I think this is pretty bad ass. Now I am just beginning in a life long journey for BJJ, but I am excited to see where this takes me. Competing, athleticism, badassery. This is not the only thing I have done that I think is pretty awesome but it encompasses the nature of my goal quite well. Do awesome things- CHECK.

I think young me would be proud of who I am today. I know a year ago I would have never imagined this is where I would end up. Happy. Confident. Becoming who I always wanted to be.